It has been quite a year.
We have become aware of the cracks in the grand infrastructure designed to maintain humanity and the polarization and fragmentation of our most powerful systems, evident in the racial injustice and oppression faced by BIPOC communities and the weakness of our health care institutions in the face of a global pandemic.
We have been forced into a semi-human state of existence, required to instantly adopt a fearfulness of others against a dangerously invisible enemy while contending with wildly contrasting media opinions encouraging us to sacrifice our morals for a lesser evil. In chaos and confusion, we have spent a majority of this year alone with our thoughts, separated from our loved ones, stressed about paying life's artificial tolls like rent and bills.
We have been relegated to digital communications, exacerbating social anxieties and depressing our youth, all while tech moguls make billions in profits off of our basic human urges to connect with others. How, with this as the backdrop to our psyche, do we talk ourselves into continuing?
Perhaps a better question - after seeing the suffering our lifestyles has brought us, what are we even continuing for? What is the point in trying to heal?
Firstly, let us recognize this for what it is: a reckoning with humanity. In the face of tragedy, truths are exposed. What is it that we have valued that led us to this? What must we now value to move forwards? In these answers lies our reason to try.
This past year I have been tackling many pains - dealing with the uncertainty of my present and my future, choosing extreme loneliness over hollow dependence, exploring how to feel worthy despite my ultimate powerlessness as an individual. For a while I attempted to fight them off simultaneously until I realized I was fighting against only one thing: acceptance.
The path towards victory over pain is acceptance that you must heal. Avoidance tactics can only operate as long as you sell yourself the myth that you have no control in guiding your healing. In reality, it is ONLY you who will be able to piece yourself back together. The first step of healing is to accept responsibility. You're the only one who owes yourself anything, really.
This blog seeks to outline the path of growth I have followed this past year. These are my late night high thoughts amidst hour long cries and numb drives around my suffocating hometown. These are my empty lonely moments thinking about characters from my past and facing the scary truths of my own role in shaping the suffering I now endure. It is courage. It is vulnerability. It is strength - built makeshift, piece by piece, across countries, through depression, during quarantine, through precious moments with friends and family, and even more precious moments alone in my room with my favorite playlist and a newfound love for myself.
There is no escaping your pain. There is only choosing to conquer it or choosing to let it conquer you. We are all capable of doing better than letting it conquer us. And so, the path to healing:
1) Acceptance. I am in pain. I am capable of healing.
2) Self-inquiry. What is my pain? Why? Who am I? What do I want? What brings me joy?
3) Taking action. How do I fulfill who I am? How do I get what I want? How do I cope with my pain?
4) Building confidence. How do I motivate myself to heal? How do I build trust in myself and my healing process?
5) Release. I am more than my pain. I am healing.
There is so much to be said for simply choosing to believe you are worth it. You are worth how strong you will have to be to heal, how much loneliness you will have to face, how much it will hurt when you encounter setbacks. There should be no greater sacrifice than that which you make to heal yourself - for yourself.
xoxo - Colette
